Hospital tomorrow

Well this is my last night beore i go into hospital, hopefully they wil be a bed waiting for me and i can the surgery on the wednesday as planned. Will try and get to post while i am in hospital if i can get on the internet, give you a blow by blow account of recovery

Thinking about thinking too much

The things we do just to stay alive, the things we do just to keep alive. Words are like knives, they peel my skin and pierce my soul, Those are the words of Dallas Green, i so relate to his lyrics, he is such a word smith, if you can check out City and Colour he's been with me for a few years now and i don't really know where i would be without him, i found my life passing me by, it had been so long since i loved anything about myself, sometimes I wonder how I managed to stay strong, my body constantly aching it still aches, and it hurts, the physical and mental pain made me wonder why i wanted to stay alive, it made me wish that I weren't here tonight, shit this is the way of my life, it feels so strange to wonder how everything went so wrong so fast, this confusion has lasted with me and i am hoping these words aren't too little too late.

Yesterday around 4.AM, I thought shit what am i doing why am i laid on the couch hurting, it feels so lonely, I feel so lonely, just emptiness and lots of crap memories, I wonder at these odd hours why i get so self destructive, why i push away those who love me, i get to thinking sometimes that destruction is easier than loving, i can not get my head around thinking that when they see me they se good all i see is a freak, i feel them seeing me, looking into me, thinking my thoughts, i know they can read my mind, are they seeing my darkness, i hope not, thats my private place, its somewhere only i should be able to go, its my desperation, its dark, then i get tired, too tired, then i feel weak, am i weak, it tears me apart, have to learn to trust whats deep inside, and trust those around me, those who care, i have to believe that but when you can't find whats so deep inside its difficult, its hard, it makes you hard to everything around you.

Ten thousand times I scream over and over, no voice, ive ben screaming too much, tears stained dry, all cried out, where are the pictures, wheres my memories, whers my past, i think i put them all in boxes, yes boxes ten thousand boxes for no one else to see, buried so deep, so many locks, why, i'm afraid of what they might say, so afraid, afraid of what, there only boxes.

was it right to do this, is it right, am i right, i'm awake but still dreaming but i'm all consumed with self loathing and self

I pray to stars, see the stars, feel the stars, love the stars, i love the ocean, i live by the ocean, it is so peaceful, it keeps me at peace, the ocean is never wrong, it can be so beautiful but it can also be so cruel

Please i hope one day i can open my boxes, and i really hope i am young enough to remember exactly what i placed in them boxes, or maybe i shouldn't maybe the past should be left firmly in the past and i should just stop thinking so much

Omens

I'm layed here on the floor, chilling wih a cup of coffee, SSO and bruno sat on my feet, i'm looking up and out of the velux window, framed right there in the middle is a beautifuly swollen full moon, So bright it hurts your eyes if you look at it too long, i'm transfixed by it, the wind is whipping the clouds past which makes it all the more magical.

It got me to thinking about omens, the Friday before my surgery date is Friday the 13th,

Yikes, i'm coming to the conclusion i think too much

Tribute to Ronnie Lane

Can you show me a dream, can you show me one that is better than mine, wow Ronnie Lane, god rest your immense soul how you so deliver such stunning lyrics and how you are so relevant in 2009 as you were in they 1970s, shit dude, I’m 3 weeks away from major spinal surgery and your southing voice is so chilling me out

Dude I would have loved to have seen you all in your prime, I was a child of the 70s, so I missed you live, that’s a deep regret, you, the Faces, Neil Young and The Band, awesome musicians

Ronnie you will be with me when I go under the knife, your spirit will be with me, you’ll be in my dreams, you’ll be in thoughts, youl’ll be my angel looking down on me, you’ll get me through

Dreams, thoughts, postings

I can see the silver moon shining in the sky, thats cool, i'm starting to see again, i know its gonna be shining long after i die, long after you die, long after everyone dies, thi is progress, i can't escape from gravity, no one can

Still feel helpless, in my mind, I still need a place to go, thats where all my changes are, but thats not bad is it, can see the birds again, man, flying, flying across the sky, ok so i nicked a few licks from neil young there, but it illustrates progression, slow, i can still see shadows, plenty of shadows,

What were the clouds like when you were young, i remember long days, remembering them long hot days, blue skies, before the nightmare began, summer 1976, the skies were blue deep blue, beautiful, i can get back there now, couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't, got over that hump, pardon the pun, don't know if its because surgeries only 3 weeks away

feel i can fight the slippery people, without falling on my face, slipping in the s**t life threw, the slippery people aint gonna win, got to stop acting crazy, going crazy, it aint good, its up to me, no one else, don't want to be bad as the slippery people, got to feel i'm all right, doing fine, made another week, and only three weeks till Mr Fender fixes me,

Take a look at me know, and take a look at me when i'm all ok, and tell me what you find, be honest, it won't leave me faceless, i shouldn't leave it up to you, silly things swirl round my head, i blamed the world, why, because i is young, i was young, felt it shouldn't be up to me, you put too much on young shoulders, but i'm getting over, need to get over it,

Dancing in the disco, bumper to bumper, love the disco, first became aware i was different whilst dancing in the disco, last year at junior school, dancing in the disco with my jumper off, wheres me jumper told me mum, she went balistic, i didn't know why my mum was so so angry, i was dancing at the disco, no jumper, so what, i was 10, why did that come back, that thought, why, i love the disco, dancing at the disco, never took me jumper of again,

i'm getting to a better place, i'm coming down the line, i need to get away from living just for the day, i need to get into better time, with your help, i'm doing the best i can, all my fears are rattling round me head, i'm complex, complicated, helpless, frightened, lonely, friendly, fearless and fearsome, mess up some times, mess up a lot, ashamed, feel the need to find, found shelter, disullusion, felt dissollusion for so long, didn't think i needed you, or anyone, realised i do, i need to find the shelter, think i found the shelter, sheltering in here, from my storm, i made the storm, i now realise that, the storm was man made, now i need to find out how to make the shelter, i try to be everyones elses shelter, its easy living in other peoples lives, means you don't have to live yours

Its going to be a world of hurt I know that, either way, surgery or not, its not hurt as much as getting to ni on 38 and coming to the conclusion that blowing my brains out isn’t the answer, that hurt, hurt a lot,I have to see that its a wonderful world, I need to take to time out to love it, I have hated for so long, been so angry, I’m fixable, i know that, I’m not beyond repair, its not too late to throw myself into life, got learn its great to be alive, I need to not think too much, i always thought too much, got to think of a time when life was less rotten, focus on that, when life was innocent, back before things started going wrong,

I guess my problem is i don't like me, music was always my thing, always loved music, Neil Young’s my thing, the mans a legend, the 70s are my thing, i love the 70s it was a decade a world apart, a world before my world caved in,

It took me all my courage to tell you, some of the things i have so I need to go on i have had to make a deal, make a deal with my devil, with my demons, talk or drawn, I think the devil thought he had me, I never talked for years, I’m winning, I can see that now, I’m not up for sale, no ones getting my ashes but me, I’ve kept it all in side, I’m tired, need to get back on my feet again, so insecure, need to realise that i can get high on life not just high,

Getting to 30

Into my 20s, still can't sleep, the ghosts, is there a ghost in my house, dam right there is, so, now, what do we do to make the ghost go away, the ghost that haunted me, well anything i can, to stop the dreams, kill the ghosts, too many years trying to kill those ghosts, too many 4 am wake ups, sweat, hot flushes, why me, can't make plans, i was a broken shell, had a hard time baring up, turning up, doing work, is there a place on earth i can find peace, want to, wanted to, need to, a little piece of England to call mine, somewhere no one can get in, my place, my space.

Play my music, do my thing, somewhere to feel a little less helpless, somewhere special, to take my mind to places that are less than helpless, time after time tried to find, but always felt so helpless, someplace special, but where, hate to say but i found it, and it made me more helpless ok, it was great for a time, took me away, far away, but then i had to come down, if only i had had a fortune teller i could have saved myself 10 years and a nervous breakdown, o for a crystal ball, but hee hoo, can't regret, don't regret, lifes about making mistakes, sometimes it don't make sense, kept it all inside, my mistake, getting high was my thing, helped me forget, helped stop remembering, seemed like a good idea at the time, wanted time to pass, changes i made plenty, S**t happens, life was changing, not for the better, but couldn't get any worse.

Then the morning after, moon goes, sun comes up, another day, used to be able to cope, used to think invincibilty, but that was just an illusion, used to chuckle, now its too late, can't do it anymore, climbing the highs, sinking into the lows, can't let you beet me though, used to laugh about it, been listening to too much Neil Young, man Neil, if there was a god he manifested himself in Mr Young, is it too late, would yo miss me, would i miss you, yes, i know the answer but its getting buried, jumbled,mind was racing,

So Jumped on train, 1998, broke down, me not the train, felt like laughing, felt like crying, didn't get far, did anyone miss me, they did all merry hell broke loose, glad they didn't call the cops, just got back in time, i was sure no one would miss me. Trying to hold on, spiralling out of control, couldn't see it, Dr could, valium, yes thats the answer, then on an extremely lonely drive, lonliness coursing through veins, lonely, 6 months, couldn't do any more, couldn't confront demons, made excuses, excuses, valium coursing through my veins,

Now where's that ghost gone, can't seem to remember much about it, how long did it take to come, to go, needed to get of that valium s%%t, man doing me no good, cold turkey, yes thats the best way to go, 140 mgs to nothing, how sensible was that, i could barely function, couldn't cope with or without, i was only 28 though, no sweat, i was young i could take it, didn't matter how long, Boy it did, ying ang yang, play by the sword, dance with devil, got to be some pay back, can't get away scott free, had so many questions, couldn't answer half them, felt like i was drowning, can't do the crime, don't do the time, questions, crawling, everywhere, couldn't feel, couldn't see, felt like a train crash, plane crash, then all of a sudden i'm 30

and the questions keep coming, too many, too few, not enough, overload, circuits breaking, got to keep both feet on the ground, you'll get by son, stop the questions, too many questions, got to make it through, find the other side, yes, next goal, you made 30 son s**t, well done, it could have been more tragic, ok you been burned, got burned, but your still travelling, alive, got back to the other side, not hard, your near. Get your heart back son, ok, you can't look in the mirror, but at least you can find shade

so that was me hitting 30