Hospital tomorrow

Well this is my last night beore i go into hospital, hopefully they wil be a bed waiting for me and i can the surgery on the wednesday as planned. Will try and get to post while i am in hospital if i can get on the internet, give you a blow by blow account of recovery

Thinking about thinking too much

The things we do just to stay alive, the things we do just to keep alive. Words are like knives, they peel my skin and pierce my soul, Those are the words of Dallas Green, i so relate to his lyrics, he is such a word smith, if you can check out City and Colour he's been with me for a few years now and i don't really know where i would be without him, i found my life passing me by, it had been so long since i loved anything about myself, sometimes I wonder how I managed to stay strong, my body constantly aching it still aches, and it hurts, the physical and mental pain made me wonder why i wanted to stay alive, it made me wish that I weren't here tonight, shit this is the way of my life, it feels so strange to wonder how everything went so wrong so fast, this confusion has lasted with me and i am hoping these words aren't too little too late.

Yesterday around 4.AM, I thought shit what am i doing why am i laid on the couch hurting, it feels so lonely, I feel so lonely, just emptiness and lots of crap memories, I wonder at these odd hours why i get so self destructive, why i push away those who love me, i get to thinking sometimes that destruction is easier than loving, i can not get my head around thinking that when they see me they se good all i see is a freak, i feel them seeing me, looking into me, thinking my thoughts, i know they can read my mind, are they seeing my darkness, i hope not, thats my private place, its somewhere only i should be able to go, its my desperation, its dark, then i get tired, too tired, then i feel weak, am i weak, it tears me apart, have to learn to trust whats deep inside, and trust those around me, those who care, i have to believe that but when you can't find whats so deep inside its difficult, its hard, it makes you hard to everything around you.

Ten thousand times I scream over and over, no voice, ive ben screaming too much, tears stained dry, all cried out, where are the pictures, wheres my memories, whers my past, i think i put them all in boxes, yes boxes ten thousand boxes for no one else to see, buried so deep, so many locks, why, i'm afraid of what they might say, so afraid, afraid of what, there only boxes.

was it right to do this, is it right, am i right, i'm awake but still dreaming but i'm all consumed with self loathing and self

I pray to stars, see the stars, feel the stars, love the stars, i love the ocean, i live by the ocean, it is so peaceful, it keeps me at peace, the ocean is never wrong, it can be so beautiful but it can also be so cruel

Please i hope one day i can open my boxes, and i really hope i am young enough to remember exactly what i placed in them boxes, or maybe i shouldn't maybe the past should be left firmly in the past and i should just stop thinking so much

Omens

I'm layed here on the floor, chilling wih a cup of coffee, SSO and bruno sat on my feet, i'm looking up and out of the velux window, framed right there in the middle is a beautifuly swollen full moon, So bright it hurts your eyes if you look at it too long, i'm transfixed by it, the wind is whipping the clouds past which makes it all the more magical.

It got me to thinking about omens, the Friday before my surgery date is Friday the 13th,

Yikes, i'm coming to the conclusion i think too much